Mussar and Playing Piano
Written by Sonia Voynow
When I tell people about Mussar and about how much I’ve grown from my involvement with CCM, I sometimes get this response, “I can’t imagine studying Mussar. I would end up beating myself up all the time.”
A lot of people think of Mussar study as a tortuous path of learning about all the ways you don’t measure up. But my experience has been completely different. In fact, Mussar has greatly enhanced the way I see myself, helping me feel more empowered to act in the world.
One notable impact of my Mussar studies is that I’m no longer afraid to play piano for other people. Let me explain.
The goal of Mussar work is to be able to serve the other with the best of what is within you. To do this, you need to feel a sense of self-worth and, at the same time, maintain a loving awareness of the other. This is a tricky balancing act. When you study Mussar, you begin to discover what trips you up.
On the one side you can have such a high opinion of yourself that you can’t see, much less serve, anyone else. Mussar texts often focus on these people. But the opposite is just as harmful -- people who tend to feel small and overly self-critical can’t serve the other because they don’t think they have much to contribute.
I fall into this latter category.
My daily cheshbon hanefesh (spiritual accounting) helped me recognize the many forms this unhelpful self-effacing tendency has taken, including performing piano. Even though I had studied piano for years, I could never play for other people. I kept thinking I wasn’t good enough, and instead of thinking about the music I was going to share, I kept thinking about the mistake I would make that would ruin everything.
Eventually, my Mussar practice helped me come to the following realization: People do not care about my mistakes! They want to hear Brahms or Haydn. And, however imperfectly, I can be a vehicle for our shared enjoyment.
In an interview with violinist Pinchas Zuckerman, Fresh Air’s Terry Gross asked him about his preconcert preparations. Zuckerman replied that he had to make sure he didn’t have a scrap of ego before going on stage.
I understand Zuckerman’s words in Mussar terms. Being fully present to the other means honoring your gifts without being too hung up on how you look. Mussar has helped me move in this direction, for which I am forever grateful.